too soon?

i feel weird about my music. I usually write a song, then record it over and over again, at least 30 times, and listen to it and rearrange lyrics until I'm sick of it. Then, I'm able to let someone else hear it, because at that point, I've critiqued it more than the next person can even think of doing. I didn't do that this time, and my stomach is twisted into knots every time I think about it. I wish this anxiety over my creations would stop. At times, it's not even anxiety, it's shame. It's like...I think 'that wasn't the best. I could've done this or, it doesn't sound like it should've, or my voice/lyrics/talent/ will never compare to whomever's and then, the joy is completely sucked out of the memory of the creative process.

I don't know what I need or want creatively. I guess I'm not used to doing things without seeing a goal, or knowing that I'm going in the right direction. Maybe I want structure? Lessons? Someone monitoring my progress? Yes that's it. I've never been without that.

So, yes, maybe it is too soon. I want to be able to share my stuff with Matt especially, but I'm just not ready. It really is a vulnerable act, and, well...we all know what I think about vulnerability ;)

p.s. you know, this is really nice. Writing online and knowing that no one is judging my grammar :)

<3, Me.