REMINDER

You are ridiculously broken.

Crybaby

As these tears race down my cheeks, I'm trying to figure out why it is that I am crying, why I feel such sadness after watching such an inspiring video. Most people have watched the Ron Clarke students and have been entertained and amused. I am convicted and hopeful. Watching a group of students that I wish I had the opportunity to impact is weird. It feels like I got a brief glimpse at the joy and fulfillment that I could have experienced had I been accepted into TFA. While I am thankful that Jesus knows what is best for me, I still feel like I missed out on something. I feel like these students could have inspired me. I feel like I would want to teach these students, to invest in relationships with them, to love them, to convince them that they can and will change the world. I feel like I'd want to wake up in the morning to work.

I wish I could more eloquently express the weight of my heart. Seeing those students has set off a spark in my soul. I felt like my passion for education was merely smoldering, and now, I have a desire to fan that flame into an intense craving. I want to be the change I wish to see. The problem is that it is so much harder to correct an adult than it is to mold a child. As much as a love conversing and counseling young adults, I realize that my passion for teaching children still remains, and that is good. I know that I will not venture into that as a career path in the near future, but it is a talent and a passion that I can practice during this time. God, please show me the innocence in my students. Please help me to trust you, and believe that YOU alone are the potter.

white pizza

There's a familiar lump of loneliness in my throat. I refuse to cry. I refuse to allow a single tear to fall from my eye, because when that happens, it means that I've lost. I've lost the battle, the race to find something that is good about being alone before loneliness makes me realize that I am, in fact lonely. My days have become so monotonous and bland. Even my weekends have become white pizza...where the heck is the sauce?!

I need a new experience. Is it crazy that at times, I am a bit jealous of my students? Jealous that they have no cares, that they can at any moment decide to act without cause, without reason, without a plan? When have I ever done that in my life? I am irritated by my desire to do good all of the time. I don't ever want to lean on the shoulder of legalism, but at times, it seems to keep me on the best path. I want to let go. I want to drive away, do something completely uncanny. Tonight, in my car, I began to drive. My instincts initially told me to go home. It was almost one am, and my car was nearly on E, but I drove anyway. Unfortunately, fear took a hold of me, and I began to think what I would do if my car ran out of gas? What would I do if I got held up? What if I got lost? And so, of course, my fear won. I drove back to my apartment, up the four levels of the parking garage with tears begging to escape my eyes and a silenced radio. Tomorrow, I will wake up and do what I do every Saturday morning. I will have some quiet time...please Jesus, meet me, I will start on my homework (except I have 4 hours of work to complete instead of 2 this week), I will starve myself temporarily to motivate productivity although it will hinder my progress instead of enhance it, I will be frustrated by my slooowwww reading, and then, I will need a nap. A long nap. Except tomorrow, I have to wash my hair because it is ridiculously greasy, and thank Jesus, I have a date tomorrow, which will keep me motivated.

sigh.

now, i'm hungry. and still frikin awake at 2am. why is it that people make the most mistakes in the wee hours of the morning?

errr

this thing doesn't work. i don't know what I want from you, blogger. I'm not inspired to blog to you anymore. I scribble a bit in my journal every now and again. I really want a vacation. Far far away from you, and all things technological...and all things alive. A nice beach vacation with just me and the Big Man.

poop

Jesus and Broadway

i haven't had a lot of peace about much of anything lately. My soul is calmed when I think about how faithful Jesus is, and how much He yearns to protect and care for me. He always shows up just when I need Him. I hope to use this part of my life in my ministry...this faithfulness that the Lord has shown me when I know spiritual attack is aimed right at me. It's incredible how powerful He is...His name alone makes darkness tremble. Amazing.

Lately, I've spent way too much time being jealous. I believe that when I am jealous, it is because I am not doing my best at something, so I envy others and their accomplishments. I've always believed that and it's true. I'm not being the best girlfriend. I'm not spending as much time with Jesus as others are, or as much as I would like. I'm not the most beautiful woman. There are other things that have been creeping on my list, like the fact that i'm not artsy or technologically literate, or super talented, or on frikin Broadway. I think I need some time to just do me. I wish I could actually know how to be better at these things...well..except the beautiful part...and the artsy and technologically literate parts...those are just because I'm competitive and I want to do everything that all the cool people do..oy vey. guess i'll jsut work for Jesus and Broadway ;)

Blurb

• Feeling very introspective lately
• realize that i don't have many friends
• realize that i don't know how to keep friends if they aren't close in proximity
• realizing that i'm an introvert has calmed my soul...alot
• having bad hair days everyday...i kinda want to tame it...blech
  

Refresh

Recently, I've been daydreaming about how insanely wonderful it would be to be able to hit a 'refresh' button on my life, and see situations magically fix themselves, wounds miraculously healed, and anxieties surrendering to peace. You know how it is sometimes when you hit refresh, but you're internet connection is slow, so when the page returns, you only see half of it? It's the worst because you're anticipating something that you really want and need to happen, but, it's not complete...it's just a teaser. Well, I got my teaser on Wednesday. Talking with Berry was everything that I needed. God was there in that meeting, and confirmed things through Berry, and even spoke to me through him, calming my heart and my discomfort and frustration, telling me exactly what I needed to know and to hear from Him. My Daddy loves me soo very much, and He knows how to make that knowledge always so precious and so new every time.

And that was my half refreshed page. Half, not because the conversation was insufficient, or anything, half because just when I got everything that I needed, everything that I wanted, a whole crazy new set of fears and worries seemed to cast themselves on me. It was sparked by one question, one innocent question "How do you know he's the one?". In the construction of my response, I realized that, while I could be completely confident with my rationale, my heart, my conviction, my trust in the Lord for His guiding my confidence, I could never be confident in his response, and that is a part of knowing that he's 'the one'. How do I know that all of these confidences are reciprocated? How do I know that when he looks at a female equivalent of Brad Pitt that he feels no attraction, no lust? How do I know that the moment he meets a woman who is more spiritually mature than me, he wont become bored with my journey? How do I know that he doesn't struggle with what-ifs, or should'ves? How do I know that at the end of every night since the first night, I'm the only girl that he's ever thought of marrying? How do I know that I'm enough? How do I deal with knowing that I'll never be enough, and more so, how do I get over knowing that I was not enough, that there was better, even if temporarily?

I try to find my assurance in this relationship in the relationship that I have with Christ, and the amazing amounts of grace that He bestows upon me, even though my heart wanders daily. I try to find assurance and stay grounded in the assurance that Jesus has given me in my love for him. I love him, and I would and have continued to love him despite my not knowing the answers all the time to these questions, and that is enough. It is enough to know that this love thing, this love thing guided by Jesus is too much of a battle to fight. I'm just gonna let it happen to me, because it's powerful. At the end of the night, my anger, frustration, confusion, jealousy, fright, it can't fight the love that I have for him...and sometimes that scares me. Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming the kind of person I dread, and then other times...I feel like I've just dreaded the wrong kind of person.

Today, I got hit with guilt. Raw, rotten, nasty guilt. All of my past came flooding in, and there are so many things that I've never disclosed. As I sat, tearing up, asking Jesus to help me, I thought about all of my girls at PACE. I thought about the girls with babies, the girls who have been abused, the girls who smoke blunts everyday, and try and tell their younger siblings to do better. I thought about them, and I bawled. I cried because, Jesus is so willing to give us all second chances, and wants to use us with all the junk that we had before we got that second chance. I cried because I realized that Jesus wants me to share my broken, shittiness with these girls. He wants me to be vulnerable to them, of all people, and talk about all of the things that I've kept inside: unprotected sexual activity while in uncommitted relationships, hiding eating disorders, poor self esteem, cutting, self inflicted pain, pregnancy scares, anger. The Lord wants me to get rid of it all. It's almost like I just uncovered scab that is merely a fading scar. Man, I feel like I really should tell someone about a couple of those things though...the sexual activity, hiding pregnancy scares from Karima was horrible...the eating disorder. Jesus, thank you for deliverance. I cast my burdens on you, and you've made my load light.

I had a talk with a friend today, which has forced me to think about spiritual poverty. Initially I thought 'I want to be there. I want to be so low, that I long for Jesus with my all', but no. Poverty is not temporary. Poverty is a permanent state. I want to see the goodness of the Lord. Poorness is temporary. Are there really any spiritually impoverished people in the world? Jesus, I want to go where they are. Today, I realized that I need to travel. I need to go and see Jesus being worshiped and praised and glorified in a setting that is not America. I need to see, experience, and take part in the freedom of Christ without restrictions. I want to hear shouting in all sorts of languages and tongues, I want to see dancing, long and stumpy legs outstretched, skirts and shorts gathered up, bare dirt clad feet, hips a going, heads bopping, crazy isolations that come only with the genes of non white americans. I want to see it! I want to feel it! I feel so dry...I want to see the glory of God.

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all of the things that I want to do in life. I want to travel, I want to be a mom, no, a mama :) I want to perform (preferably on Broadway :tee hee:) I want to teach, I want to learn, I want to provide for my children everything that I never had, i want to take care of my family, I want to....live. Sitting here in this big pretty house makes all of these thoughts seem to come to life, but I'll just take it one step at a time for the time being.

love, love, love.