white pizza

There's a familiar lump of loneliness in my throat. I refuse to cry. I refuse to allow a single tear to fall from my eye, because when that happens, it means that I've lost. I've lost the battle, the race to find something that is good about being alone before loneliness makes me realize that I am, in fact lonely. My days have become so monotonous and bland. Even my weekends have become white pizza...where the heck is the sauce?!

I need a new experience. Is it crazy that at times, I am a bit jealous of my students? Jealous that they have no cares, that they can at any moment decide to act without cause, without reason, without a plan? When have I ever done that in my life? I am irritated by my desire to do good all of the time. I don't ever want to lean on the shoulder of legalism, but at times, it seems to keep me on the best path. I want to let go. I want to drive away, do something completely uncanny. Tonight, in my car, I began to drive. My instincts initially told me to go home. It was almost one am, and my car was nearly on E, but I drove anyway. Unfortunately, fear took a hold of me, and I began to think what I would do if my car ran out of gas? What would I do if I got held up? What if I got lost? And so, of course, my fear won. I drove back to my apartment, up the four levels of the parking garage with tears begging to escape my eyes and a silenced radio. Tomorrow, I will wake up and do what I do every Saturday morning. I will have some quiet time...please Jesus, meet me, I will start on my homework (except I have 4 hours of work to complete instead of 2 this week), I will starve myself temporarily to motivate productivity although it will hinder my progress instead of enhance it, I will be frustrated by my slooowwww reading, and then, I will need a nap. A long nap. Except tomorrow, I have to wash my hair because it is ridiculously greasy, and thank Jesus, I have a date tomorrow, which will keep me motivated.

sigh.

now, i'm hungry. and still frikin awake at 2am. why is it that people make the most mistakes in the wee hours of the morning?