I think I've got the black lung, pa...

wow, am i exhausted. i never knew that working could be so difficult and trying. i've been re-thinking alot of things lately...career, family, goals, etc.

too tired to think.
<3, me

Blurred Vision

it's 2:55, and all I can think about are the things that would make me happier about myself. I know that these things are all lies, but i'd like to really think and pray about them at a later time...When my eyelids aren't so heavy, and I'm not so pouty because i'm sleepy. here's the list that I hope to completely demolish over time :

*bigger boobs-full B cup/small C
*curvier body-125 lbs
*taller-5'5 at least?
*more wit and intellect (most of the time, the ability to understand political conversations), which would build my credibility/validity
*beautiful voice
*the ability to do at least 7 perfect pirouettes
*longer/bigger (lol) hair...sometimes i wish it weren't as kinky
*artistic abilities...painting or photography...something visual
*talking in that ultra feminine wispy voice like Liv Tyler...ok, only sometimes
*sometimes...i'd like to be one of those girls without a past. One of the untouchables...

ok, that's all for now. and yes, i know this is all meaningless...

<3, Me

too soon?

i feel weird about my music. I usually write a song, then record it over and over again, at least 30 times, and listen to it and rearrange lyrics until I'm sick of it. Then, I'm able to let someone else hear it, because at that point, I've critiqued it more than the next person can even think of doing. I didn't do that this time, and my stomach is twisted into knots every time I think about it. I wish this anxiety over my creations would stop. At times, it's not even anxiety, it's shame. It's like...I think 'that wasn't the best. I could've done this or, it doesn't sound like it should've, or my voice/lyrics/talent/ will never compare to whomever's and then, the joy is completely sucked out of the memory of the creative process.

I don't know what I need or want creatively. I guess I'm not used to doing things without seeing a goal, or knowing that I'm going in the right direction. Maybe I want structure? Lessons? Someone monitoring my progress? Yes that's it. I've never been without that.

So, yes, maybe it is too soon. I want to be able to share my stuff with Matt especially, but I'm just not ready. It really is a vulnerable act, and, well...we all know what I think about vulnerability ;)

p.s. you know, this is really nice. Writing online and knowing that no one is judging my grammar :)

<3, Me.

Bad Hair Day...

Today, my hair was unwilling to cooperate. In some areas it was perfectly coiled, in others, wavy, in the middle, so tight and springy. Gah. My 'bad' hair led me to spend about an hour in the bathroom, trying to decide if I should wear make-up to make up for my 'bad' hair. Mind you, I was preparing only to go to dinner at grammy's. Fortunately, the make up LOST! tee he :D I went out without any make-up, only moisturizer and lip-gloss, and a crazy lookin afro puff. It probably really is my fault for not getting it trimmed. It's growing out so fast, and i'm sure the uneven length is affecting my perception of the texture.

*Random* Today I watched an old episode of Baywatch and realized how racy it was/is! whoa. that show was before it's time.

I've been feeling very...insecure lately...and anxious. A couple of days ago, I almost had a panic attack, and it's weird, but I feel like its all bottled up, and is ready to strike again. Gah. Jesus help. It has been 6 months since I had one. 6 whole months!!!

I don't know what else I have to say. Lots of random thoughts. I really really really want to shop. My little fingers are online every second that my computer is open, looking through the wonderful, beautiful clothing of delias and the limited. tee hee. I'm excited about my car. I love matthew with all of my heart. He's wonderful. I know that the problems we've gone through and will go through, will help us in the future...I know we'll get through all of this.

well, no more random rants.

<3, Me

EFFFFFF!!!!

not having a good night. just needed a little immediate outlet, though this isn't really working lol.

edit

"i think you got off to a bad start when you hid behind the bed..."
-the one and only k

touche lol touche

Rewind!

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Genesis 28:15

This is the promise that my God has given me. Today, I realized the horrible effects of idolatry. My God is my only God. When I allow fear, and pride, and cowardice to rule my heart, I demote God from being first in my life. Never again. The arts is..it's what I do. Sure it hasn't been as present in my life recently, but it has never been absent. My passion is God given. I was made to worship, and by not using the tools that the Lord has given me to worship Him...what a waste!

I always learn things from my bestie. She reminded me of God's perfect love, and how his love can not be bound to fear. I have to be willing to go where the Lord calls me to go, using whatever he calls me to use.

I feel so much like the typical 'Black Woman' right now. I want to do things for myself and by myself. I feel a freeing independence that will allow me to soar. I choose to start writing again, and recording, and finding someone who can teach me everything about music production and how to strengthen my voice. I'll find somewhere to record, and someone to help me with my compositions. Maybe i'll even make a myspace page...yeah. that's my goal for the end of this year. I'm gonna enroll in dance classes...maybe i'll finally attempt to be good at tap. This will be good. I don't need anyone to help me, but I want people to help me, and I'm sure they're all around. i just haven't been looking very far.

My Knight in Shining Armor

Last night, I got to re-familiarize myself with Jesus as my savior. He rescued me, and protected me from whatever it is that has been attacking me as I sleep. I felt peace, and security, and His longing to be with me and to crush everything that was against me. My Lord is all powerful and faithful. He is truly the Almighty. I have been having a difficult time hearing what Jesus has to say to me lately. Yesterday, I prayed fro a very long time...on my knees, calling out to the Lord, and asking him to help me listen and be obedient, but lately, it's like...all I hear is silence. All I feel is a longing to hear. Hmm.

I think that everything with the PACE center will work out. This is the perfect job for me right now. The boy is worried that it will distract and possibly prevent me from going on staff. While I understand this concern (because it is valid, and one that is shared by myself), it worries me immensely. I need to feel safe, and confident that wherever the Lord leads me, wherever I choose to serve, that my partner, my support, my future, will encourage me, and find opportunities for me to continue in those paths. I'm not so sure about that right now, and it sort of terrifies me.

Love conquers all. We are more than conquerors with Him.

Sometimes, even after having crazy experiences with Jesus, and having Him rescue me from myself, from temptation, from satan, I doubt Him. I wonder if I will every be delivered from past hurts, failures, and experiences. Today, I came across something online that infuriated me. I wasn't surprised, because everytime I come across something that reminds me of this particular incident, I am filled with anger. The toe curling, teeth clenching, head throbbing anger that gets me absolutely no where. Should I ask someone, (Matt, Karm, Morgy) to present this to the Lord for me? I feel incapable of doing it myself. Today, I found myself thinking horrible things. You know, wishing that someone stepped in poop everyday of their life is NOT a good thing to think about or wish for...funny, but not right. I dunno...I have never felt such intense...hatred? for another person. I want to be stripped of this. i want peace. I don't like feeling threatened or chained to the past.

"you said he's no good and you
slapped him like a true blue
when he felt on my thigh
after singing some church songs
and claiming he's holy.
But that was 'bout 2 years ago
and he got more than a thigh I'm sure you know
Just thinkin bout the days in Beaty
when I knew we were friends.

But where were you?
with him?
when i needed you.
I needed you."

Just a song I wrote a while back that summarizes the feelings that seem to haunt me. Still. Dang, man, I just wanna be done with this. It's alot harder to erase someone's memory from your life when they meant so much to you, and then sort of...shitted on your feelings, and helped to yank your last pieces of dignity right from under your feet.

oy vey.

More than conquerors.

<3, Me.

*edit*

oh yes, I don't think that I like music nearly as much as I thought I did...or I'm becoming quite proficient at persuading myself to adhere to this truth. i haven't listened to music in forever. I don't like listening to things that will make me sing lol. I don't know what my voice sounds like anymore to be quite honest. I can't remember the last time I even belted in the shower. how do i feel about this? ...I'm unsure. My heart is really sad. It recognizes that I am punishing myself for something that may not be a worthy cause, but my mind is...becoming content. Content because it knows that the heart likes hurting itself more than it likes being hurt by others.

blurbs

*talked to morgy today. it was assuaging to be understood, validated, and encouraged.
*thought alot today about why i can't get myself to sing in the shower anymore, do center barre exercises, or stretch. Thought about doing all of that stuff and realized that I've packed away all of my tights, shoes, etc. although I don't need it to do it, it just seemed like a good excuse.
*my wrist is still giving me problems. It's a constant reminder that that part of my life really did exist...for 11 solid years. Half of my life.
*i'm trying to enjoy the now. The now, however, does not include performing.
*I think I want to start over. That scene in 'Save the Last Dance' keeps coming to my mind when Sean Patrick Thomas asks her if she dances and she says 'No. I used to'. I could get used to that response. jah.
*I don't like getting frustrated. My brain starts overheating, and I can't articulate any of my thoughts. sigh.
*I love my hair :)

<3 , Me

Blech

sad but i can't cry. i always get the best of myself, but I'm no match for Jesus.

Being...what?

It may not be on the mountain's height
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle's front
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice he calls
To paths I do not know,
I'll answer dear Lord with my hand in thine,
I'll go where you want me to go.

I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
O'er mountain, or plain or sea;
I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord.
I'll be what you want me to be.

There's surely somewhere a lowly place
In earth's harvest fields so wide,
Where I may labor thro life's short day
For Jesus the Crucified.
So, trusting my all unto thy care,
I know thou lovest me!
Ill do thy will with a heart sincere,
I'll be what you want me to be.
-I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go by Mary Brown

God is faithful. Surrendering to the Lord is more than giving Him your all, although that is the primary and most difficult step that we must take when we die to Him. Surrendering also means, as Jesus is teaching me, taking, accepting what He gives back to you, or presents you with. In surrendering to Jesus as my king, my creator, my daddy, my love, I realize that He is all that truly matters. He has given me things that I must use. Whatever I decide to do, I must remember that it is a charge from my commander to use the things that He has given me, to display his glory and his love, his creativity.

God, help me to need only you. To seek only your approval. To love your satisfaction in me more than the praise of anyone else. God help me to lean steadily on you for confidence. Strengthen me. Give me the wisdom that I need...Help me to feel your presence. Comfort me when I realize that it's just you and me on this journey. Help me to realize that you are more than enough. Help me to be what you want me to be.

<3, Me

Shorty Got Low, MATE!

I feel so low right now. My main frustration with this current state of being is that...it's so common. satan definitely knows how to get me. He always starts with my weaknesses or insecurities. Most recently, it has been my insecurities with my talents: my singing ability, my dancing ability, my acting ability, my musical abilities.It stinks. The more I face this particular 'lowness', the more I realize that without validation with these things, without my practicing and integrating these things in my life, I feel rather useless. Empty. Un-me like. I need someone to believe in me, even if it's just enough to make me feel like it's ok to dream.

I find myself isolating my 'talents' more and more. I don't like singing or dancing or acting or playing for anyone anymore, because I am so fearful of rejection. I once had a friend who loved to hear me sing. Everytime we talked on the phone, he would ask me to sing sixteen bars. It was awesome. I felt empowered, like my talents were special, and worth being desired. I guess I'm beating around the bush here with alot of stuff, but I just...I can't allow myself to say it...not here at least.

I just want to sing beautiful songs for someone. I want to be believed in. Mate.

Identity

I recently met with a younger friend to discuss the issue of identity, and how to solidify our identities as women, as minorities, as leaders, in Christ. It was refreshing to talk about this, as I haven't really had the opportunity to discuss the journey that Christ has taken me on in these past two years with anyone. During that time, I struggled and wrestled and fought against the one call that the Lord was begging me to do; I needed to die. I needed to die to my thoughts, my plans, my ideas of beauty and love, relationships, friendships, money, fashion, everything. It was like I started over. My mind and heart became blank, unmarred slates, and I was to seek my Father's heart about all of these things. Starting over did not mean that I lost my natural temperament, however, and as usual, the Lord showed his amazingness by using my temperament to mold me into the person that he wanted me to be, and the person that I am able to recognize, in efforts to strive to be. Make sense? I am just so thankful for that loong journey. I see that I would not be able to face what life is throwing at me now if the Lord had not been gentle, and tender, and firm with me during that time.

Since I decided to go natural, my hair has defined so much of who I am. I don't rely on it to validate me or anything of that sort, but, it does remind me of who I am, and my Father's confidence in His creation. I'm still dealing with feeling feminine and womanly with this super coily puff on my head. Disney says that I'm supposed to have long, flowing, silky straight locks, for Reese's sake! Some days, I look in the mirror and I try to remember what it feels like to have to brush my hair out of my face, but on those days, I put my hands in my hair, and it feels so squishy and thick, and I look at each intricate little coil, and I am happy. I don't feel as feminine as I used to, but I feel an indescribable boldness. I feel empowered and strong, and free from one of the many chains that has and unfortunately, still is keeping me tied to society's values and ideals of beauty.

I am so fortunate and thankful to have the people in my life that I do. For months, I repeated a cycle every night of reflecting on my day, journaling about how sucky it was, pleading with Jesus to make one exception for me and come down and give me a hug, realizing that that wasn't going to happen, cursing all of my 'friends' for being so absent, and going to bed, only to wake up pissed, and repeating the same cycle the next night. It was a miserable time, and I didn't understand why my Daddy hadn't answered my prayers, why everyone seemed to be so absent and removed from my life, from bearing with me. Now, I realize that that was such a necessary component of my trusting completely in the Lord, in my willingly bearing my soul to Him. It was necessary in my giving Him my dreams and desires, and having Him validate them and affirm me in those things. When I look back on things, I see that this has become crucial for me now, my being completely confident in how Jesus feels about something before I react to it. It is the only reason that I decided to re-start that application and apply for staff. I didn't tell anyone about it, because I needed to feel His assurance. The same goes for Matt, and that is...so refreshing, to be confident.

I am confident that the Lord has HUGE plans for my life. I've never been a small dreamer...what's the point in dreaming, right? It kinda seems like the Lord is asking me to play this crazy game of 'Connect the Dots' with my life. I don't feel like I get alot of encouragement for my future, the desires that the Lord has put on my heart, my passions, etc., and sometimes it hurts. Karima has been my faithful reminder of the Lord's satisfaction, and pride that only a parent can have for their child, and it's crazy, because it's coming from my best friend, but so amazing because I feel her love and encouragement, and her willingness to support me. I'm so thankful for her and her ability and openness to the Lord on my behalf.I'm happy that I'm confident in what the Lord wants from me, and I'm overjoyed that He has stripped me of most of my pride that would otherwise prevent me from stepping away from things, changing my mind and walking away. I just wish that I had some other support to continue dancing, and singing and acting and playing my violin....that sounds silly though.

I really love my family. I do, but I'm finding it harder and harder to meet them. I refuse to assimilate to this Miami, lukewarm culture. God has brought me too far to look back. My time in Miami needs to be constructive. I need to create a plan that integrates truth AND grace, and of course, alot of love. I just always feel so empty here, which I sometimes like, because I cling to Jesus like none other, but...I miss Gainesville. I miss my community, I miss feeling like I'm making a difference (hmm...maybe I need to re-evaluate somethings. ), i miss being challenged and being filled simultaneously. I can't wait to return to Gainesville and all its flyness, but until then, I am ridiculously confident that the Lord will keep me,and use this for another 'connect the dots' activity in the future.

<3 , Me