Identity

I recently met with a younger friend to discuss the issue of identity, and how to solidify our identities as women, as minorities, as leaders, in Christ. It was refreshing to talk about this, as I haven't really had the opportunity to discuss the journey that Christ has taken me on in these past two years with anyone. During that time, I struggled and wrestled and fought against the one call that the Lord was begging me to do; I needed to die. I needed to die to my thoughts, my plans, my ideas of beauty and love, relationships, friendships, money, fashion, everything. It was like I started over. My mind and heart became blank, unmarred slates, and I was to seek my Father's heart about all of these things. Starting over did not mean that I lost my natural temperament, however, and as usual, the Lord showed his amazingness by using my temperament to mold me into the person that he wanted me to be, and the person that I am able to recognize, in efforts to strive to be. Make sense? I am just so thankful for that loong journey. I see that I would not be able to face what life is throwing at me now if the Lord had not been gentle, and tender, and firm with me during that time.

Since I decided to go natural, my hair has defined so much of who I am. I don't rely on it to validate me or anything of that sort, but, it does remind me of who I am, and my Father's confidence in His creation. I'm still dealing with feeling feminine and womanly with this super coily puff on my head. Disney says that I'm supposed to have long, flowing, silky straight locks, for Reese's sake! Some days, I look in the mirror and I try to remember what it feels like to have to brush my hair out of my face, but on those days, I put my hands in my hair, and it feels so squishy and thick, and I look at each intricate little coil, and I am happy. I don't feel as feminine as I used to, but I feel an indescribable boldness. I feel empowered and strong, and free from one of the many chains that has and unfortunately, still is keeping me tied to society's values and ideals of beauty.

I am so fortunate and thankful to have the people in my life that I do. For months, I repeated a cycle every night of reflecting on my day, journaling about how sucky it was, pleading with Jesus to make one exception for me and come down and give me a hug, realizing that that wasn't going to happen, cursing all of my 'friends' for being so absent, and going to bed, only to wake up pissed, and repeating the same cycle the next night. It was a miserable time, and I didn't understand why my Daddy hadn't answered my prayers, why everyone seemed to be so absent and removed from my life, from bearing with me. Now, I realize that that was such a necessary component of my trusting completely in the Lord, in my willingly bearing my soul to Him. It was necessary in my giving Him my dreams and desires, and having Him validate them and affirm me in those things. When I look back on things, I see that this has become crucial for me now, my being completely confident in how Jesus feels about something before I react to it. It is the only reason that I decided to re-start that application and apply for staff. I didn't tell anyone about it, because I needed to feel His assurance. The same goes for Matt, and that is...so refreshing, to be confident.

I am confident that the Lord has HUGE plans for my life. I've never been a small dreamer...what's the point in dreaming, right? It kinda seems like the Lord is asking me to play this crazy game of 'Connect the Dots' with my life. I don't feel like I get alot of encouragement for my future, the desires that the Lord has put on my heart, my passions, etc., and sometimes it hurts. Karima has been my faithful reminder of the Lord's satisfaction, and pride that only a parent can have for their child, and it's crazy, because it's coming from my best friend, but so amazing because I feel her love and encouragement, and her willingness to support me. I'm so thankful for her and her ability and openness to the Lord on my behalf.I'm happy that I'm confident in what the Lord wants from me, and I'm overjoyed that He has stripped me of most of my pride that would otherwise prevent me from stepping away from things, changing my mind and walking away. I just wish that I had some other support to continue dancing, and singing and acting and playing my violin....that sounds silly though.

I really love my family. I do, but I'm finding it harder and harder to meet them. I refuse to assimilate to this Miami, lukewarm culture. God has brought me too far to look back. My time in Miami needs to be constructive. I need to create a plan that integrates truth AND grace, and of course, alot of love. I just always feel so empty here, which I sometimes like, because I cling to Jesus like none other, but...I miss Gainesville. I miss my community, I miss feeling like I'm making a difference (hmm...maybe I need to re-evaluate somethings. ), i miss being challenged and being filled simultaneously. I can't wait to return to Gainesville and all its flyness, but until then, I am ridiculously confident that the Lord will keep me,and use this for another 'connect the dots' activity in the future.

<3 , Me