My Knight in Shining Armor

Last night, I got to re-familiarize myself with Jesus as my savior. He rescued me, and protected me from whatever it is that has been attacking me as I sleep. I felt peace, and security, and His longing to be with me and to crush everything that was against me. My Lord is all powerful and faithful. He is truly the Almighty. I have been having a difficult time hearing what Jesus has to say to me lately. Yesterday, I prayed fro a very long time...on my knees, calling out to the Lord, and asking him to help me listen and be obedient, but lately, it's like...all I hear is silence. All I feel is a longing to hear. Hmm.

I think that everything with the PACE center will work out. This is the perfect job for me right now. The boy is worried that it will distract and possibly prevent me from going on staff. While I understand this concern (because it is valid, and one that is shared by myself), it worries me immensely. I need to feel safe, and confident that wherever the Lord leads me, wherever I choose to serve, that my partner, my support, my future, will encourage me, and find opportunities for me to continue in those paths. I'm not so sure about that right now, and it sort of terrifies me.

Love conquers all. We are more than conquerors with Him.

Sometimes, even after having crazy experiences with Jesus, and having Him rescue me from myself, from temptation, from satan, I doubt Him. I wonder if I will every be delivered from past hurts, failures, and experiences. Today, I came across something online that infuriated me. I wasn't surprised, because everytime I come across something that reminds me of this particular incident, I am filled with anger. The toe curling, teeth clenching, head throbbing anger that gets me absolutely no where. Should I ask someone, (Matt, Karm, Morgy) to present this to the Lord for me? I feel incapable of doing it myself. Today, I found myself thinking horrible things. You know, wishing that someone stepped in poop everyday of their life is NOT a good thing to think about or wish for...funny, but not right. I dunno...I have never felt such intense...hatred? for another person. I want to be stripped of this. i want peace. I don't like feeling threatened or chained to the past.

"you said he's no good and you
slapped him like a true blue
when he felt on my thigh
after singing some church songs
and claiming he's holy.
But that was 'bout 2 years ago
and he got more than a thigh I'm sure you know
Just thinkin bout the days in Beaty
when I knew we were friends.

But where were you?
with him?
when i needed you.
I needed you."

Just a song I wrote a while back that summarizes the feelings that seem to haunt me. Still. Dang, man, I just wanna be done with this. It's alot harder to erase someone's memory from your life when they meant so much to you, and then sort of...shitted on your feelings, and helped to yank your last pieces of dignity right from under your feet.

oy vey.

More than conquerors.

<3, Me.

*edit*

oh yes, I don't think that I like music nearly as much as I thought I did...or I'm becoming quite proficient at persuading myself to adhere to this truth. i haven't listened to music in forever. I don't like listening to things that will make me sing lol. I don't know what my voice sounds like anymore to be quite honest. I can't remember the last time I even belted in the shower. how do i feel about this? ...I'm unsure. My heart is really sad. It recognizes that I am punishing myself for something that may not be a worthy cause, but my mind is...becoming content. Content because it knows that the heart likes hurting itself more than it likes being hurt by others.